Getting rid of one ‘demon’

Over the last weekend I actually felt a little better, more ‘normal’ if you will. I felt happiness, content and love more than I have in a long time although it didn’t last as long as I had hoped. Facebook has been a sort of love/hate relationship; I like to know what people I know from school are up to even if I hardly know them or they don’t even like me (why they added me I don’t know) but I have always hated the fact nobody cares or talks to me on there unless it is to tell me that my viewpoint is wrong. I know that my animal rights and mental health activism is seem as ‘extreme’ but just because I post pictures of what goes on in a slaughterhouse for example or share a suicide awareness post doesn’t mean I should get ‘mmmnnnn chicken’ or ‘you can’t ever change my diet’. To be honest the last post didn’t even say ‘Go Vegan’ or tell people to change their diet it just said what is in milk which is blood and pus but of course everyone jumps in the deep end.

Anyway the point of Facebook was beginning to make me think. Why did I really have this account? Why should I worry about others when nobody really bothered with me?  Many times has it got me down to the point I broke my long spell of being self-harm free because I cannot handle people going off at a post because they care more about their taste-buds. Monday I sat down at work and glanced on Facebook; scrolled down the page of faces of ignorance and hate, jokes of rape and murder. I decided to delete a demon…

I don’t feel any better but I know in time i’ll look back and be so glad to be rid of such an intrusive account. If people really wanted to get in touch with me; if anyone cared or noticed i’d gone for that matter they would ask my boyfriend or already have my number to contact me.

On a separate note I am trying to get Thursday off to see a doctor as i’ve had a very bad pain in my stomach for months now. It’s becoming unbearable to live with and I’m really worried it’s an ulcer. I will also try to get myself weaned off the anti-depressants; i’m fed up of them, they aren’t helping in the slightest and it’s just a waste of money to be honest to pay for them when I think they might also be part of the reason I have this pain that won’t go away. I don’t know if I can ask them to give Steps To Change a kick up the backside as I am really beginning to doubt them. I STILL have not had a CBT session with them! I don’t know whether to go in on the  Thursday and ask them what on earth they are playing at but i’ll probably buckle under anxiety and not go.

I hope that everyone who reads this and those that don’t for that matter has had a good weekend and is having a nice start to the week.

I Say I Say I Say (May Trigger)

I Say I Say I Say

Anyone here had a go at themselves
for a laugh? Anyone opened their wrists
with a blade in the bath? Those in the dark
at the back, listen hard. Those at the front
in the know, those of us who have, hands up,
let’s show that inch of lacerated skin
between the forearm and the fist. Let’s tell it
like it is: strong drink, a crimson tidemark
round the tub, a yard of lint, white towels
washed a dozen times, still pink. Tough luck.
A passion then for watches, bangles, cuffs.
A likely story: you were lashed by brambles
picking berries from the woods. Come clean, come good,
repeat with me the punch line ‘Just like blood’
when those at the back rush forward to say
how a little love goes a long long long way. 

Simon Armitage

This was a poem that I read for my AS English literature studies, it deeply affected me. We had to analyse it as a class and came to the conclusion that people think self-harm is a joke  i.e i say i say i say… is the beginning of a joke. Of course the class believed this poem to be ‘boring’, ‘morbid’ or ‘stupid’ and did not think much of the poem whereas I read into the poem deeply and included it in many of my essays as well as the exam.

 

I would go into analysing what I believe the words to mean and represent but I shall leave this post for your own individual ideas and how it relates to you (it even relates to non-selfharmers to).

Worth continuing to fight it?

Hello all, sorry again. I keep forgetting to update either because i’m so drained from work or too down that I don’t want to rant and be triggering. Recently I haven’t had much to say apart from I’ve been stressed at work or I feel so down yet have hardly been self-harming.

I won a self-help CBT disk a while back and tried it out. Apart from the bad robot voice and lag it gives useful information to those who might not know about depression although i’m pretty clued up on it and some of their ‘facts’ were wrong i.e saying women are more at risk but that’s just looking at statistics, men are probably at the same risk but as their gender is supposed to ‘be a man’ they hide their feelings and so do not seek help.

Still haven’t started my real CBT with Steps To Change which I feel is starting to mess me about. Just because I work they don’t have time for me; they don’t open at the weekend and everyone is always booked or cannot see me. I think they will just kick me from the ‘program’ because my times are incompatible with theirs, I haven’t even heard from them again which makes me doubt their services even more.

Speaking of help I run out of medication again (the joys) tomorrow and need to pick some more up. I haven’t seen a doctor either because of work so they have never asked me if the medication works and I can say now that I really doubt it’s effectiveness. I suppose though my deeper feelings of depression is from self-harm withdrawal over the past couple of months; I am trying… Really it can be seen as a massive achievement I guess but with how it’s making me feel… I kind of want to give in.

I don’t give out my emotions too much as I cannot explain them very well but maybe I just need another (non-destructive) outlet other than games to help my feelings? I don’t know what could help me. Drawing? I cannot express myself through that as I have tried. I shall have to think and then actually try to do them since I’m so worn out and lazy after work and at the weekend.

If you suffer from self-harm here is a few distractions for you to see and maybe try.

Call a friend and ask for company 
Play a musical instrument 
Singing 
Making a list of things to do instead of SI 
Punch a pillow
Snapping a rubber band on your wrist (be careful, I did it so bad once I have myself a burn!) 
Mix warm water and red food colouring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood) 
Letting yourself cry
Sleep (only if you are tired) 
A hot shower, or relaxing bath with no shavers/blades about
Play with a companion animal 
Re-organizing your room 
Cleaning 
Knitting or sewing (if you want to learn or like it) 
Reading a good book
Colouring your hair 
Listening to music (non-triggering)
Meditate 
Watching a movie (non-triggering) 
Go somewhere public 
Bake/cook
Alphabetize your CD’s  
Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking) 
Painting or drawing 
Ripping paper into pieces 
Hugs (pillow, people, yourself etc)
Writting letters or email 
Talk to yourself

Hope some of these help and post your ideas in the comments so others (and maybe me) can benefit from them especially if you have tried them and they have worked.

Emotional drained

I don’t know what to do any more. I feel like the world is against me and nobody is trying to sort things out. The police around here are as useful as vivisection which is not useful to humans one bit (90% of animal experimental tests fail human tests) I had hoped that the could of at least been polite and nice to me instead of brushing off what I had to say. The man mocked me and after an hour having a statement written I left feeling so down; the police are letting my sister get away with stealing all my games, blu-rays and dvds as well as over £1190 from my Grandma’s house. I have solid proof of this from the facebook messages I found but because she did not say ‘I stole the games’ on it (probably said it in a text to her girlfriend instead) then I have no evidence and it could have been anyone. I found a bag in her room that she had packed with my mum’s dvds ready to sell but because there were no paperwork he could not say she was going to sell them. Sigh, the law is so messed up when they help the criminals yet wasted my time and made me feel so small.

I’m sat now in my room worried about more things going missing and not being able to do anything; she WILL do it again. I feel so victimized, I was alone in a room with this man and said yes to them going through my mental-health history because I was scared they would try to force it if I didn’t comply. If they do they will use it to discredit me and that makes me feel even worse; I have work tomorrow yet I am sat with vodka and coke contemplating whether it’s worth even living any more. The guy from my apprenticeship has also moved the date forward to tomorrow so my boss will be in a mood with me as well as me being even more uncomfortable as i’ll be watched.

i’m so tired of this.

So tired of feeling suicidal, so tired of feeling tired, tired of the self-destruction and hurt. I’m getting worse but better at seeming fine; I have no idea when CBT should start because the therapist hasn’t got back in touch but even then i’m doubtful she can help.

I don’t know how to get better, medication? Therapy? How many failed attempts must I endure before I find freedom?

 

Life is hell with different letters

Life. That four letter word that can do so much damage yet be so wonderful at the same time; life is for the living but what if you feel dead inside? What if life just doesn’t seem to match with the mind? I honestly feel like giving in to the self-destruction at this moment in time, I feel so angry and upset. I’ve been drinking a little vodka and coke (only a little splash a day) over the weekend but I just want to pour it all in the glass of cola and die from the poisoning. I don’t like the taste of alcohol  in fact I don’t like alcohol but I guess society portrays people to drink when they are down even if it causes more problems.

Anyway why do I even feel like this? Sure i’ve not harmed myself in a couple days and spent time with the boyfriend which means I should be happy… but i’m not; i’ve probably push him away so much this weekend and yes, upset him to. The only reason I guess i’m feeling so downhearted is that all of my PS3, blu-ray and dvds have been stolen from my room; obviously by my sister who has probably sold them and will not admit it at all. But I hardly feel angry, just defeated. I don’t have the strength no more to carry on and it’s dragging my boyfriend down with darkness, he must be getting fed up of the pain I cause.

I just don’t care any more, the pain, the hate, the world is too much for me. I’ve even considered buying some e-cigarettes which while aren’t as bad as the tobacco ones probably still harm you. I just sense that something big is coming, something that will push me over the edge

I can’t carry on this horrible excuse for a post, I need to lay down and try to fight my mind.

So different to them but the same in a way

Come one, come all! See the family of self-destructive traits.

See the daughter who attention seeks although is always at the centre of attention; who steals and lies from her own family. Who bitches and back-stabs while getting engaged to every girlfriend she has…. Unfortunately this is my sister, who has been stealing for G_d knows how long from my Nana and even my mother. She has actually been stealing £35 at a time now while lying and playing innocent; at the moment she is having a strop because I told her my Nana took her phone to the 02 shop to see how much credit was on it and being told by the lady in the shop that her grand-daughter has been sending ‘sick’ messages and not to read them before putting a code on the phone. How on earth is she going to learn her lesson? I feel so much anger at her actions; she is very childish but maybe that is because she is the youngest child and has been ‘babied’ while I was pushed away.

Next in the family…. The Woman who has barely worked at all, who sits around all day watching TV;  the woman here is my mother. How can I have a bond with a mother who devours all food in sight and has poor personal hygiene? How can you bond with someone who would not let you do anything as a child but sit in front of the ‘boring box’ instead of at least playing in the front garden or G_d forbid learn some social skills from playgroups. She is VERY short tempered and in my nineteen years of life have seen many smacks, plates thrown, furniture smashed, cats and dogs harmed from her. Fear has ruled my life from my parents and arguments cause the ‘flight’ instinct in me to escape and usually harm myself so I am not harmed by them but myself. Our house is wrought with rot, uncleanliness and general ughhh; my room is tidy, clean, smells nice and yet teenagers are supposed to be the grimy ones? Stereotypes…. Don’t believe them.

What about me? Well i’m no angel myself. I self-harm, I have not told my parents about the therapy I should be starting but then again why should I? I want to get better and their nasty comments about mental health and me will just discourage me from standing up for others with mental health problems. I lock myself away in my mind and try to block out the world which compared to the previous family members is probably not bad; i’ve made mistakes in the past sure but i’ve been wiser than my years and repented my evil (not in a religious way). I guess the only things you can fault me for is my mental-health, my ugliness inside through negative and dark and out which is obvious. 

I could go on but there are endless lists of horrible things that I do not want to delve into about my family. We are destructive.

*Note – I use G_d instead of the word as I know some cultures do not believe in writing the name and I don’t wish to offend anyone. This is also why learning religious studies and cultures is good*

Awareness *Warning photo may TRIGGER*