Over the last weekend I actually felt a little better, more ‘normal’ if you will. I felt happiness, content and love more than I have in a long time although it didn’t last as long as I had hoped. Facebook has been a sort of love/hate relationship; I like to know what people I know from school are up to even if I hardly know them or they don’t even like me (why they added me I don’t know) but I have always hated the fact nobody cares or talks to me on there unless it is to tell me that my viewpoint is wrong. I know that my animal rights and mental health activism is seem as ‘extreme’ but just because I post pictures of what goes on in a slaughterhouse for example or share a suicide awareness post doesn’t mean I should get ‘mmmnnnn chicken’ or ‘you can’t ever change my diet’. To be honest the last post didn’t even say ‘Go Vegan’ or tell people to change their diet it just said what is in milk which is blood and pus but of course everyone jumps in the deep end.
Anyway the point of Facebook was beginning to make me think. Why did I really have this account? Why should I worry about others when nobody really bothered with me? Many times has it got me down to the point I broke my long spell of being self-harm free because I cannot handle people going off at a post because they care more about their taste-buds. Monday I sat down at work and glanced on Facebook; scrolled down the page of faces of ignorance and hate, jokes of rape and murder. I decided to delete a demon…
I don’t feel any better but I know in time i’ll look back and be so glad to be rid of such an intrusive account. If people really wanted to get in touch with me; if anyone cared or noticed i’d gone for that matter they would ask my boyfriend or already have my number to contact me.
On a separate note I am trying to get Thursday off to see a doctor as i’ve had a very bad pain in my stomach for months now. It’s becoming unbearable to live with and I’m really worried it’s an ulcer. I will also try to get myself weaned off the anti-depressants; i’m fed up of them, they aren’t helping in the slightest and it’s just a waste of money to be honest to pay for them when I think they might also be part of the reason I have this pain that won’t go away. I don’t know if I can ask them to give Steps To Change a kick up the backside as I am really beginning to doubt them. I STILL have not had a CBT session with them! I don’t know whether to go in on the Thursday and ask them what on earth they are playing at but i’ll probably buckle under anxiety and not go.
I hope that everyone who reads this and those that don’t for that matter has had a good weekend and is having a nice start to the week.